At my fabulous 40th birthday party, one of my more recent friends asked one of my high school friends how I was different now than back in the day. He didn’t see the HUGE differences that I feel, but I guess he wouldn’t: It’s the internal monologue that has changed dramatically.
In high school I was needy and desperate for male attention. This is a combination that could have had horrible consequences, but I got lucky.
So to show my fabulous readers just how I needy I was, I wanted to give an example. However, the first story that popped into mind didn’t prove that at all! Maybe this is evidence more that I had more self-esteem than I give myself credit for, as opposed to being lucky.
Here’s the story: I had a date with this guy I’d been longing over forever. I’d known him for years through speech (hence me in the suit in the picture above), and we’d had a number of outings before. I had decided that this was going to be the night and the guy…
So my nameless suitor picked me up (in his van with carpeting in the back!), met my parental units, and then we went to park. We made out and were transported into that weird time warp where time stand still yet hours pass.
Suddenly, he pulled away and breathlessly said, “Your mom is hot!”
What does one say to that?!?!?!?!? “Thanks”?
Now, I was at a time in my life where if I committed to something, I did it. I was not a wishy-washy kid. I prided myself on my responsibility. But decision be damned – this guy wasn’t going to be my first! So I announced that I was getting hungry, and we went out to ice cream instead. He never knew how different that night would have been if he had just kept his mouth shut.
All these years later, I gain more appreciation for my younger self. I’d pretty much dismissed her as needy and weak and scared of her own shadow. She deserves much better and is now “standing with fist” in my memory. At the critical moments, she stood firm. What more could we ask of our former selves?